While I personally have never come so low in my thinking and emotions to the point of ending my life (I will share why/how in this post), I HAVE had times and seasons of immense low points where I truly came to a place of understanding that suicide in one aspect makes sense.
Let me explain.
I am very in touch with my emotions, as well as extremely introspective. This is a good and bad thing. I can experience the highest of highs in joy, exhilaration, and love, all the while too prone to the lowest of lows (I’m still learning how to have healthy boundaries in this). It’s also good in that I can sympathize well with those who are grieving, down, depressed, etc. Being introspective causes me to be keenly aware of how I am truly doing at all times and where/how/why my moods can even change depending on circumstances. The flip side is that I can be so introspective that if I’m not careful, can dwell on the negative inside of myself far longer than need be, as well as not focus on the needs of others.
I say all this simply to see if any of you can relate. Usually over thinkers and deep feelers can have such extreme thoughts and emotions, it is immensely difficult to learn how to make any sense of them, especially in our chaotic world we live in. I get it; you have an amazing heart and want to change the world! You want SO badly for things to be perfect, good, and everyone loved and taken care of. But as we grow up we get so burdened by the world we care for that we don’t even know where to begin! Heck, we’re even too down trodden with our own selves, let alone the world’s problems. We love the world, people, and truly want change, but HOW!? Is there any hope at all?
I have hope. And in all honesty, I don’t always act like it. I don’t always act like it because I don’t always believe it in my thoughts or emotions, but I DO, at the end of ANY day, extremely high or extremely low, in good or “bad” seasons of life, have this ONE hope that makes life worth living. And if it wasn’t for this hope, honestly, suicide makes complete sense, because without hope and TRUE purpose in life, why live?
My Hope is sure. My Hope is secure. My Hope is steadfast, unwavering, unchanging, never leaves, always present, always giving, always wise, always loving. Where is my hope? It’s not in time (“everything is better with time”), it’s not in a stable job (security), it’s not in money (security x 2), it’s not in fame or notoriety, it’s not in better circumstances, it’s not even in "true love,” finding my “prince charming” as the world puts it, or good things of this world. Everything in this world is MOVEABLE and CHANGING - that doesn’t sound like a good source of foundation to place my hope in.
I have THIS hope…
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul (mind, will, emotions), firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever…” - Hebrews 6:19-20 NIV
My hope is in the very real person of Jesus Christ
…who is also fully God,
yet chose, out of love for us
to come down from His heavenly throne to earth,
live a regular human life with the ones He created,
relate to us as He was tempted in every way (Hebrews 4:13),
yet did not sin,
but died the worst sinners death
in our place
because that’s what you and I deserve (Romans 3:10)
and then defeated the sting of death (ultimate consequence of life of sin-hell)
by RISING from the dead (HA!)
and if that’s not enough…
sent Himself (Holy Spirit) to live IN us as our comforter and helper in this life
until we join Him in Heaven
ALL THIS - so that we sinners could be in right standing and relationship with a Holy and perfect God. That’s love.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..” - 1 Peter 1:3
That’s my hope. It’s my reason of living. It’s my reason to keep going. Because no matter how TERRIBLE I truly feel or think (and believe me it’s gone there), at the end of the day, my foundation is secure. No matter how many LIES surround me of not being loved, wanted, or secure, I KNOW they’re not true, because my SAVIOR put an end to that crap 2,000 years ago. He doesn’t want me to live that way. He WANTS me to know His love in a very real and tangible way. Now I live loved, and want and seek that for others too - THAT is my purpose.
Jesus wants all this and more for you (yes YOU, by name) too.
So I encourage you to fight. But fight the good fight, the one of faith. Have faith in GOD - that what you’ve maybe heard in truth, or maybe in this post for the first time, is actually MORE REAL than your “reality” of feelings and thoughts. I don’t discredit that this is difficult to do, but I also stand before you (..or write this post lol) as one who’s gone low in depression, but HIGH IN HOPE.
“And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” - Psalm 39:7 NLT
My Hope is found in true love, in the unshakeable, fierce, pursuit of my King, Savior, and lover of my soul, JESUS. He reigns over my life, my mind, my emotions, my will, my desires. He can have them. He died for them. So I can trust Him with them. He’s well worth the reason for living, and living WELL.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My (JESUS) purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” - John 10:10
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” - Ephesians 3:20
So I ask you, where is your hope?